2008

I went and got a massage today. It was a spur of the moment thing, and it was heavenly. The massage therapist was a bit of a chatter box though. Since I had to list my lumpectomy and my Tamoxifen in my new client form, she was quick to ask me about my breast cancer situation. I briefly gave her the saga and at the end she responded with, "I bet you will be happy when 2008 is over." Is it crazy to say that it will be hard to let 2008 go? I am so happy that I have made it through this chapter in my life, but I don't look at it as something I am looking forward to let go of, or forget about. 2008 has been the most impactful year of my life. I have learned so much about me and about my husband and about my marriage. I have become a much stronger person, I have learned to love a lot of things about me that I never thought I could.

Grace

I have been hearing a lot and reading a lot about God's grace.  To me, it is by far the most amazing part of knowing Christ as my personal Savior.  There is a song that says, "His grace is enough. He covers me in His love. His grace is enough for me".  It is the most amazing, undeserving comfort that we have.  He's the God of 2nd chances.  Gods grace runs deeper than my greatest mistake.  That is unimaginable!  Isaiah 43:25
Aren't you glad that God isn't fair?  It's not about arguing and debating. It's about my Jesus.  To know that you have never met anyone Jesus didn't die for!

Recycling

This is another thing that has come from my cancer diagnosis.  I recycle more?!?!?!?  How does that happen?  I just care more???

How lucky am I!!!

I am slowly finding the blessings in this journey.  I was trying to think about the good that comes out of horrible situations, even ones that are much worse than mine.  I think that during our trying times, our blessings are often highlighted.  Does that make sense?  When things are going well and we are cruising along in life with little to upset us, we can get really lazy in our awareness of what God is trying to teach us.  When things are good, we might be less likely to notice what God is doing in our lives.  It is when we are going through trials that we make the effort to seek out the positive and become much more aware and more grateful for what God has done.

I will praise you in this storm!!!

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped my tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you". And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again. My strength is almost gone. How can I carry on if I can't find You?

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth!!

Words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

Tamoxifen

Why is this Tamoxifen thing putting me over the edge? It’s a pill!!! I felt like I needed someone with me for the first time. Kind of the way I needed Tom with me before surgery and the way I needed him my first day of radiation. Taking that first pill tonight was worse than the surgery or the radiation. Why? It has so many more implications than the other treatment. So much more to it! I am overwhelmed. I want to move on from this stage of life. This pill won’t let me. 5 years of my life. A reminder every night before I go to bed. I don’t mind the reminder, I don’t ever want to forget. If only it were just a reminder and nothing else. I can’t put into words anything else about the stupid pill.

Is this how I am supposed to act?

I have been a little discouraged during my "time-out". I had really high expectations for this free time. I was looking so forward to it and all the things I wanted to accomplish. I know I am being ridiculous, but somehow it still gives me total anxiety. I have been reading this book, "What Cancer Cannot Do", and it has been overwhelming and sometimes depressing at times. However, tonight it made me feel normal. The author's name is Phyllis Ten Elshof and in it she writes, "Would my family be repulsed by how I vacillate between compassion and spite, tenderness and being judgmental? Would they back away from the deep dark hole in me where depression, fear, and anger swirl? Would they be shocked by what tempts me to sin, what makes me cower like a child? Sometimes I'm blind even to my own soul. But God isn't. As Hagar, the handmaiden of Sarai, said in the desert, 'You are the God who sees me' (Genesis 16:13) And He is not repulsed. Rather, He picks me up, carries me in His arms, and assures me of his saving love. Cancer can invade my body. It can swell it, waste it, cripple it, and blind it. But, it cannot invade my soul - for it is safe with God. 'Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.' Isaiah 50:10"

It is the first time I have read about a "believer" struggling with his/her faith through Cancer. I am really struggling! I have done nothing but push God away during this crisis. I rely on him to heal me, but I don't confide in him. I know people are praying for me daily, but I don't open up to Him at all! I feel like I am making God out to be more compassionate than He really is. I feel like He has had it with me. I know I have had it with myself!! I don't feel like I am genuine with my attempts. I know that God knows my heart, but I feel like He is over it!

I need to stop typing. It is stressing me out.

Side Effects

I hadn't until today, figured out which of my "issues" were side effects of my cancer treatment and which were just in my head. Is my exhaustion from the radiation, or from the fact that I lay awake until 2 am every night? Is the shooting pain in my boob only in my head? And it hit me. I am more emotional! Crying! Crying is the one and only side effect that I am certain came from the diagnosis and the treatment of my cancer. Hmmmm..... Feel your boobies!!!

Wednesday, August 20 2008

I look out at the Atlantic Ocean while sitting on a beach in Palm Beach Florida,
I ride my bike down Lake Shore Drive in Chicago and look out onto Lake Michigan. I enjoy the sunrise, the sunset, the trees, the sky, the clouds and am amazed at how meticulously it was all created thousands of years ago. How unimaginable it is to me that all of the stars and planets rotate around each other with perfect coordination. This world, Created by my God. The God who created me. Surely this God has my life under His control. My cancer, my healing, my emotions, my side effects. Truly, God’s got it covered. All of it!!!

ELMHURST???

I am just hoping that I can tell this story and make it half as funny as what it was in real life. I recently bought a sign for my front porch that says, “Come sit on my porch”. Total redneck per my sister, but adorable per me. I saw it on a $2 Million dollar home in Hinsdale and I just had to have it. Perfect for a mansion in Hinsdale, maybe not so much for my cape cod in Elmhurst. Who though, is going to actually read it and listen? Well, let me tell you… My out of control drunk alcoholic redneck neighbor. That is who! The first time wasn’t so bad as I was pulling into my driveway with my husband. Tom took the brunt of the visit even though “It’s your sign!” was his only response to how we were going to handle the situation. I slipped out to the back yard to join the neighbor kids in dance practice to Hannah Montana tunes blaring. The second episode? When I wake up yesterday morning, I come down in my kitchen to see the back of his head with his long hair peeping through my front window. Can you say heart attack? Tom was out of town and when I get him on the phone, my heart is pounding so loud that I would think he could hear it through the phone, however; he is laughing so hard that I tell him I have to go to call my neighbor Brian to see if he can come over and save me. He does, but the scary man is no longer there and Brian turns around and adds that I need to take down my sign. The sign is not coming down because a.) it is super cute and b.) I can’t take it down now and risk the chance of offending the dangerous alcoholic neighbor. Now that is a dilemma! Funny, right?

1 DOWN, 34 TO GO...

I finally started radiation today!!! It has been awhile since my surgery (more than originally was planned) and I have been pretty anxious to get things moving along. However, that wait has turned into a true blessing. It has been a “luxury” to be able to spend this time researching my options for treatment, allowing my decisions to sink in and also be able to enjoy some free time this summer. I have had to really figure out what is best for me in the long run. I am still unsure about the next phase after radiation, but I am at least set for the next 7 weeks. A little over a week ago, the process started with my body being “marked” with tattoos. Never did I think that my first tattoo would be of four dots to help guide the technicians in setting up for daily radiation to fight my breast cancer… at age 36 - (too old for a tattoo and too young for cancer in my opinion)!!! Besides a little anxiety, things went extremely well today. I had to get x-rayed again and met with the Radiologist, which I will do every Monday, but the radiation itself only lasts a couple of minutes. I am now just praying that the side effects will be minimal and that I will get a clear sense of what to do about taking Tamoxifen after the radiation treatment is over.

Today...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

It is blazing hot outside. I finally broke down and turned on my air conditioning. It probably doesn’t help that I have been washing floors, vacuuming and dusting for the past 2 hours. My house was a disaster and it is finally starting to shape up again! This is not how I expected my house to be this summer. I totally thought I would have it together enough to keep it neat and clean. I guess that is how things go. I went in to get my tattoos in preparation for my radiation. It starts in just over a week. I am nervous. I am nervous about how I am going to feel during radiation. I am nervous to see how my body and skin are going to react to the radiation. I am nervous about what my body is going to look like after the radiation. I am nervous that the radiation won’t work and the cancer will return with a vengeance. I have been reading a lot on breast cancer and while it is necessary to get all the information, it becomes extremely overwhelming. Cancer is overwhelming. It takes over your life – is that obvious? Now it is starting to storm outside and I love that! I am not so concerned about my health right now, but I am really concerned about my health in the future. So many of the people with cancer say that they were diagnosed really early in the game and that after surgery they were considered cured and then shortly after were diagnosed with cancer again and this time it was much worse. I don’t know if I could handle much worse. I read about these people and I am in awe of how they cope. It is pouring outside. Thank goodness – now I don’t have to water the grass. It has been my responsibility this week because Tom is out of town. We leave for Florida in a couple of days. I am really looking forward to it. I am looking forward to spending time with Tom without getting interrupted by phone calls or emails or business trips. I just want to gossip and laugh and eat and read and sit by the pool and swim in the ocean and pretend that I am not sick and that I am not starting radiation the day we get back. So, now I am heading back up stairs to vacuum my bedroom. Hopefully I will be able to pull out the “cancer card” when we get back and get out of doing it again for a while!

Self Image - I am serious...

I do not know if I will ever get to the point where I will look back and say that I would not change my cancer diagnosis, however; I am seeing some positive light shining through the darkness. I have always been determined to see the good in this whole situation. One thing that has really changed is my self image. For starters, my boobs, which have always been the biggest, or smallest in my case; source of disdain for my body, are now the body parts that I treasure the most. I am really proud of them for putting up with all of this crap! I am also feeling good about myself and the rest of my body. I have held up well. I completed the triathlon and am still running and feel very strong. This is a good feeling. Women are so hard on themselves. It is so accepted to criticize ourselves and not except ourselves as we are. I am really trying to embrace my body for it’s true worth. I was created in God’s image, just the way He wanted me and that is really cool! We need to love and appreciate our bodies and take care of them.

I have a blog and it is current...

July 6, 2008

It has been a rough week for some reason. Tom has been out of town a lot with Lacrosse and that has been hard. He is definitely my main support system and I felt lost without him. I usually welcome a little time at home by myself, but it was different because of what has been going on. We met with the Oncologist a couple of weeks ago. I was not aware that I would have to be on birth control while I take the Tamoxifen for the next 5 years. That brings me to 41 years old. A bit out of the baby making years. While I was coming to terms with possibly not having children, I think that I have always hung on to the hope that I am currently still young enough with a few good years left in me. It was quite a hit to be told that my chances of having children are extremely slim. It has always been on my terms and I do not do well being told that it is not going to happen. I no longer feel lucky. This really stinks!

May 21, 2008

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I am really over this juice diet. I had to plug my nose all through “dinner”. This is no way to live! I think the machine is going back. I tried. I just don’t see myself keeping up with this long term. I will however, give the whole food recipe book a try.

I am really feeling the need for my time off. I haven’t made time to process all that has happened. I have been so worried about keeping up with work and life, that I feel more behind than ever. I want to be ready to let things go and I have GOT to let things go. I am getting there.

I bought self tanner with Leah yesterday. I went into Macy’s just to support her purchase, all of the sudden, I am getting suckered into buying 2 different kinds. Applying them is quite the production. Almost as much of one as the juicer. They take forever to apply and they stink! I am thinking that I do not want to add skin cancer to the mix this summer, but I am too addicted to a tan to give it up completely, so we will see how it goes.

Monday, May 19

Monday, May 19, 2008

I started my yahoo raw foods juice diet this morning. Holy Cow! It took me an hour to make breakfast. I think it will get easier as I get used to the juicer and my own way of putting everything together. The first one was easy, it was all fruit. Tonight I am doing a mild vegetable one, but one of the best one’s for cancer is one that sounds DISGUSTING!!! Onions, garlic, in juice??? I am at least going to stick with it until my surgery. Then, Leah let me borrow a recipe book that I will use for dinners during my radiation. This should keep me busy! And, yeah – I am getting healthy!

May 12, 2008

Monday, May 12, 2008

Yesterday was the Y-ME breast cancer walk. Monique put a team together called “Kickin’ it for Kim”, and several of us ran together. The weather could not have been any worse. It was a torrential down pour with hail literally pelting at our heads. We did nothing but laugh and it could not have been more fun! We were soaking wet from head to toe. Kathy, Becky and I wore poncho’s from Walt Disney World. I could not have felt more loved. I choke up at the thought. For my friends and family to come out and run, despite the weather is an awesome, humbling experience. Each here for a variety of reasons, but running on MY team!!! Kristen and Leah who I adore. Vira and her husband. Donna and her sisters running for their youngest sister Joy. My rock of a husband, Tom – who does in fact ROCK!!! We headed to breakfast at Yolk where Sharon met up with us. What a great day and what a great experience. If it were any other run, we would have stayed in bed, but we were there for a reason and that reason was me and all the other women who are struggling with this disease. How lucky am I?

May 4, 2008

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Almost every time I talk to someone about my situation, they share a story about someone they know who has or has had cancer. Sometimes this is helpful and sometimes it is not. When is it NOT helpful??? When the story ends with the person DYING!!! I do not want to hear about someone you know who had cancer and died. EVER!

Apparantly, having cancer has increased my chances of being abducted and/or getting in a car accident. I had a dentist appointment scheduled that I told everyone about. “I am getting quite a bit of work done, so it may be a while.” However, when I did not show up to dinner at my parents house, my sister Kathy lead my family and friends in an all out man hunt. After having my mouth pried open for 3 straight hours, I returned to my car to see 15 missed calls, 10 messages and 8 texts frantically trying to track me down. I caused quite the uproar. Whoops!!!

May 2, 2008

May 2, 2008 – Look at me, I am journaling!!!

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

Breast cancer is an epidemic, clearly. But I am not quite sure why. Is it that technology has come so far that we are catching things that we never would have known about 20 or even just 10 years ago? Is it pesticides? Global warming? I sometimes think I am being punished for something I did. This morning I thought I figured out what really caused mine… Every once in a while, I microwave my morning coffee in a travel mug. A travel mug that has the warning on the bottom, “DO NOT MICROWAVE”. Truly, this must be it!

From the beginning...

May 1, 2008

When I went in for my follow up mammogram and results, the doctor told me she was sure that what she was seeing was nothing. Because of statistics and the fact that I was only 36 years old made it so extremely unlikely that it was actually cancerous and not to worry. She was ordering a biopsy, but it was just to be ultra cautious/conservative. The nurse stood in a corner in the room holding a Kleenex box and handed it to me immediately. It was an out of body experience. I knew it was going to turn out to be fine, but holy cow, what if it was something. What if it was breast cancer? How do you take that news? I got super emotional. I thought they would think I was crazy for crying. This is weird. But, it is nothing. It has to be nothing. I didn’t go to get checked for cancer, I just went for a baseline mammogram. They were not supposed to find anything – it was a BASELINE!!! I went home and talked to everyone about it. I read books and went online. The information assured me that the chance of it being cancer was so incredibly slim and I felt confident that it was nothing. All of the sudden people were coming out of the wood work with success stories, “My friend just had a biopsy 3 months ago and it was nothing, my mom had that done 5 years ago and it was nothing, your chances are so good, it’s nothing. I loved the success stories. Keep them coming!!! The day of my biopsy I was done with the success stories. I knew it was extremely unlikely that I had it, but the more successes that I heard; the more likely I thought my chances were of it being me who would be diagnosed. I told friends of mine, if I have cancer, which I know I don’t, I totally want people to feel sorry for me. Forget the “I am strong, don’t have pity on me” business! I would have a melt down if it were cancer.

I had my entire prayer team on hand the day of my biopsy. I got phone calls and texts and emails letting me know they were praying for me. I was so grateful to have everyone. I thought, okay, I am just going to need to send out a quick text to let everyone know that it was nothing. FALSE ALARM!!! Whew, we are all good. I took the next day off. I made the excuse – “If it is bad news, I don’t want to be working and have to deal with it.” In reality, I wanted to have lunch with my sister, go to the gym and just relax. Thinking you have 1 in a million chance in having breast cancer shouldn’t be too stressful. I held my cell phone the entire day, waiting for the call. My husband was out of town, I was home by myself sitting at my desk when the doctor called. “Ms. McBride? How is your left breast feeling after yesterday?” I knew it was bad. She told me that what they found was Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS). I frantically wrote down almost every word that came out of her mouth because all that was registering in my mind was blah blah blah carcinoma blah blah blah. She told me that she had already spoken with my internist and that they both wanted me to call a surgeon at Northwestern and set up an appointment immediately. She was sorry and she wished she had better news, but this was best case scenario. She never actually used the word cancer so when I hung up with her I didn’t even know what hit me. I googled DCIS immediately and it was clear that while it was cancerous, it was extremely treatable. The information was overwhelming. I called my husband first. Then I called my sister. I remember calling my boss and breaking down. This was not how it was supposed to work today. I was supposed to make sure that everyone got my text saying that I was okay. It was nothing. I contacted as many people as I could and then started divying up the phone calls and having others make them. I quickly felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t even know where to begin with this. My internal medicine doctor called me and told me how shocked she was to get the news. She gave me the names of 2 surgeons and reassured me that they were “the best”! My husband came home and sat next to me in our office. This was so weird! I don’t remember what we did that night. We had the St. Patrick’s Day parade the next day and I had such a flood of emotions. Sunday morning, we didn’t go to church. “I have breast cancer!!!” This was the first time I used this excuse to get out of something.

On Monday, we went to see the first surgeon at Northwestern. I liked him from the minute he walked in the door. He sat down and said, “I hope that you are fully aware that the cancer you have is non-invasive and that you are NOT going to die from this”. He was extremely matter of fact, but not too serious. He did a breast exam and told me that he couldn’t even feel the lump proving how small it was. He went over all my options of treatment and told me that in the end, it was going to have to be my decision. I didn’t really want it to be my decision. I am not the one who went through 50 years of medical school and I am not the one who has now been treating breast cancer for 50 years. You decide. I am not the doctor!!! As overwhelming as it was, I had read so much about it and was very comfortable with the terms he was using and what he was telling me. I was in a weird state of denial. Was this how I thought I would react to being diagnosed with breast cancer? I wasn’t sure. That night I put an email together to send to everyone to let them know what was going on. It was so surreal and serious! I felt guilt. Yes, I have breast cancer, but does it really deserve an alert email??? I was going to be fine. Still to this day, my sister and I feel as though we are lying when we say I have “breast cancer”. 1 – because it is so weird to say 2 – I am so lucky to have caught it so early and 3 - we don’t want to take it too seriously.

The following week I went to see the next surgeon. He was 100% on the same page as the first surgeon who I saw. I was again overwhelmed by having to choose what doctor to go to, but also counted this a HUGE blessing!!! I knew I would be in the best possible hands no matter who I chose. I was also reminded that I am in God’s hands, and with that, there is nothing more that I need. Shortly after feeling confident in my treatment plan, I had 2 MRI’s and another biopsy in the other breast. The doctors were finding an area of concern in the right side that they wanted to confirm was not cancer. They were SURE it was not. Hmmmm, Had I heard that before??? I stressed big time! I felt as though the cancer had taken over my body. Surely it was in my lungs and brain and ovaries and bones. I felt like my body was completely infected with the disease. Results came back negative showing no cancer in the right side.

Right after I was diagnosed I thought, this is going to change my life – for the best!!! I am going to take advantage of this situation and make it so positive. I am going to be superwoman! I am going to get a journal, write in it every day. I am going to eat vegetables and give up junk food and Diet Coke, I am going to start doing daily devotions and have an insanely close relationship with God. I am going to open my heart and my mind to hear what God is going to teach me through this trial. I am going to get my house clean and in order, I am totally working the entire time throughout my treatment. I am going to learn so much through this process and it is going to be great! To this date, this is what I have learned…

1. I am addicted to Diet Coke!!
2. When you plant a tree in your backyard, don’t plant it under the phone lines. Eventually it will have to be trimmed because of them and trees trimmed because of phone lines are UGLY!!! Thankfully, I did not learn this the hard way.
3. If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!!!

Today, I was feeling so frustrated because I haven’t been keeping a journal, I don’t like writing in it. I do it before bed and I get tired and lose interest. I haven’t stuck with doing daily devotions. I know God is working in my life and I feel his support constantly, but I don’t always have the energy to pray to Him like I think I should. I am not getting some enlightened message from “above” changing my life and on a 12 mile bike ride today, I felt that it is okay!!! Anything and everything is okay! I have breast cancer!!!

So, I sometimes have guilt because of my prognosis! I think, oh my goodness, I can not complain. I could have it so much worse. I could be stage IV, I could have a child that is terminally ill, I could have no job, or no insurance, but I keep telling myself, that OF COURSE I could have it worse. Things can ALWAYS be worse! I am still going through a major life challenge and it is okay to feel needy and to feel sorry for myself occasionally.

For every time I feel sorry for myself, there are 100 times that I laugh about my situation. I know some people get annoyed when I make light of my cancer, but SERIOUSLY!!!! Nothing is making my situation go away, so why not laugh through it? Life is funny, it is crazy, it is nonstop and every time I think I can’t take any more, something else happens, like people clearly not knowing I have breast cancer because they are so rude!!! Or, I am having a really bad day to begin with and to top it off, I go to the dentist and he gives me shots of Novocain and my whole mouth hurts and is numb and then he tells me that the permanent tooth he ordered doesn’t fit, so I need to come back next week to do this all over again. This works out perfectly, because the girls in my surgeons office can’t get things together and now my surgery has to be rescheduled. This means that I have nothing better to do on that date than get my teeth drilled. Get me a shot of vodka, because at this point, I am going to need something to help me wash down the Xanax, FAST!

Which brings me to my next point… Pulling out the “cancer card”. I use it a lot with my husband and my teammates at work. Anything that I want to get out of or want to go my way… “Um…. Yeah…. I have breast cancer!!!” It has worked well. I almost pulled it out with one of my customers, but am holding out until truly necessary. Then, the other day, I got pulled over by a miserable cop and while she was in her car with my “license and registration”, I had all my lines planned out, fortunately for her, she did not give me a ticket, so I didn’t need to use it on her. This does produce some guilt, but I am getting over it.

Another thing that produces guilt is time off from work. My company has an extremely generous short term disability policy. Several months ago, I was thinking of how I am totally pro maternity leave, however, what about those who never take maternity leave because they choose to not have children, or are unable to have kids? Shouldn’t they be compensated for this? I have been with my company for 8 years and have never taken maternity leave. In my life plan (the one I shared with God) I would have taken maternity leave 3 times already. Hello!!!! And then it happened – CANCER!!! While I would never have chosen this for my life, now that it has happened, I am taking my “maternity” leave. And, I am slowly getting over the guilt. I am convinced that during this leave, I will definitely start eating healthy, keep up my exercising, get my house in order, start my journal and get closer to God.

So, I really want a theme song for this part of my life. Today, on my bike ride, I found a theme song for one aspect of my life. It is called “Stupid Mouth” by John Mayer and it goes something like this… My stupid mouth has got me in trouble, I said too much again. I could see, she was offended, she said well anyway I’m just dying for a subject change. It’s another social casualty. Score one more for me… No filter in my head, what’s a girl to do???