I have been a little discouraged during my "time-out". I had really high expectations for this free time. I was looking so forward to it and all the things I wanted to accomplish. I know I am being ridiculous, but somehow it still gives me total anxiety. I have been reading this book, "What Cancer Cannot Do", and it has been overwhelming and sometimes depressing at times. However, tonight it made me feel normal. The author's name is Phyllis Ten Elshof and in it she writes, "Would my family be repulsed by how I vacillate between compassion and spite, tenderness and being judgmental? Would they back away from the deep dark hole in me where depression, fear, and anger swirl? Would they be shocked by what tempts me to sin, what makes me cower like a child? Sometimes I'm blind even to my own soul. But God isn't. As Hagar, the handmaiden of Sarai, said in the desert, 'You are the God who sees me' (Genesis 16:13) And He is not repulsed. Rather, He picks me up, carries me in His arms, and assures me of his saving love. Cancer can invade my body. It can swell it, waste it, cripple it, and blind it. But, it cannot invade my soul - for it is safe with God. 'Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.' Isaiah 50:10"
It is the first time I have read about a "believer" struggling with his/her faith through Cancer. I am really struggling! I have done nothing but push God away during this crisis. I rely on him to heal me, but I don't confide in him. I know people are praying for me daily, but I don't open up to Him at all! I feel like I am making God out to be more compassionate than He really is. I feel like He has had it with me. I know I have had it with myself!! I don't feel like I am genuine with my attempts. I know that God knows my heart, but I feel like He is over it!
I need to stop typing. It is stressing me out.
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