From the beginning...

May 1, 2008

When I went in for my follow up mammogram and results, the doctor told me she was sure that what she was seeing was nothing. Because of statistics and the fact that I was only 36 years old made it so extremely unlikely that it was actually cancerous and not to worry. She was ordering a biopsy, but it was just to be ultra cautious/conservative. The nurse stood in a corner in the room holding a Kleenex box and handed it to me immediately. It was an out of body experience. I knew it was going to turn out to be fine, but holy cow, what if it was something. What if it was breast cancer? How do you take that news? I got super emotional. I thought they would think I was crazy for crying. This is weird. But, it is nothing. It has to be nothing. I didn’t go to get checked for cancer, I just went for a baseline mammogram. They were not supposed to find anything – it was a BASELINE!!! I went home and talked to everyone about it. I read books and went online. The information assured me that the chance of it being cancer was so incredibly slim and I felt confident that it was nothing. All of the sudden people were coming out of the wood work with success stories, “My friend just had a biopsy 3 months ago and it was nothing, my mom had that done 5 years ago and it was nothing, your chances are so good, it’s nothing. I loved the success stories. Keep them coming!!! The day of my biopsy I was done with the success stories. I knew it was extremely unlikely that I had it, but the more successes that I heard; the more likely I thought my chances were of it being me who would be diagnosed. I told friends of mine, if I have cancer, which I know I don’t, I totally want people to feel sorry for me. Forget the “I am strong, don’t have pity on me” business! I would have a melt down if it were cancer.

I had my entire prayer team on hand the day of my biopsy. I got phone calls and texts and emails letting me know they were praying for me. I was so grateful to have everyone. I thought, okay, I am just going to need to send out a quick text to let everyone know that it was nothing. FALSE ALARM!!! Whew, we are all good. I took the next day off. I made the excuse – “If it is bad news, I don’t want to be working and have to deal with it.” In reality, I wanted to have lunch with my sister, go to the gym and just relax. Thinking you have 1 in a million chance in having breast cancer shouldn’t be too stressful. I held my cell phone the entire day, waiting for the call. My husband was out of town, I was home by myself sitting at my desk when the doctor called. “Ms. McBride? How is your left breast feeling after yesterday?” I knew it was bad. She told me that what they found was Ductal Carcinoma In Situ (DCIS). I frantically wrote down almost every word that came out of her mouth because all that was registering in my mind was blah blah blah carcinoma blah blah blah. She told me that she had already spoken with my internist and that they both wanted me to call a surgeon at Northwestern and set up an appointment immediately. She was sorry and she wished she had better news, but this was best case scenario. She never actually used the word cancer so when I hung up with her I didn’t even know what hit me. I googled DCIS immediately and it was clear that while it was cancerous, it was extremely treatable. The information was overwhelming. I called my husband first. Then I called my sister. I remember calling my boss and breaking down. This was not how it was supposed to work today. I was supposed to make sure that everyone got my text saying that I was okay. It was nothing. I contacted as many people as I could and then started divying up the phone calls and having others make them. I quickly felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t even know where to begin with this. My internal medicine doctor called me and told me how shocked she was to get the news. She gave me the names of 2 surgeons and reassured me that they were “the best”! My husband came home and sat next to me in our office. This was so weird! I don’t remember what we did that night. We had the St. Patrick’s Day parade the next day and I had such a flood of emotions. Sunday morning, we didn’t go to church. “I have breast cancer!!!” This was the first time I used this excuse to get out of something.

On Monday, we went to see the first surgeon at Northwestern. I liked him from the minute he walked in the door. He sat down and said, “I hope that you are fully aware that the cancer you have is non-invasive and that you are NOT going to die from this”. He was extremely matter of fact, but not too serious. He did a breast exam and told me that he couldn’t even feel the lump proving how small it was. He went over all my options of treatment and told me that in the end, it was going to have to be my decision. I didn’t really want it to be my decision. I am not the one who went through 50 years of medical school and I am not the one who has now been treating breast cancer for 50 years. You decide. I am not the doctor!!! As overwhelming as it was, I had read so much about it and was very comfortable with the terms he was using and what he was telling me. I was in a weird state of denial. Was this how I thought I would react to being diagnosed with breast cancer? I wasn’t sure. That night I put an email together to send to everyone to let them know what was going on. It was so surreal and serious! I felt guilt. Yes, I have breast cancer, but does it really deserve an alert email??? I was going to be fine. Still to this day, my sister and I feel as though we are lying when we say I have “breast cancer”. 1 – because it is so weird to say 2 – I am so lucky to have caught it so early and 3 - we don’t want to take it too seriously.

The following week I went to see the next surgeon. He was 100% on the same page as the first surgeon who I saw. I was again overwhelmed by having to choose what doctor to go to, but also counted this a HUGE blessing!!! I knew I would be in the best possible hands no matter who I chose. I was also reminded that I am in God’s hands, and with that, there is nothing more that I need. Shortly after feeling confident in my treatment plan, I had 2 MRI’s and another biopsy in the other breast. The doctors were finding an area of concern in the right side that they wanted to confirm was not cancer. They were SURE it was not. Hmmmm, Had I heard that before??? I stressed big time! I felt as though the cancer had taken over my body. Surely it was in my lungs and brain and ovaries and bones. I felt like my body was completely infected with the disease. Results came back negative showing no cancer in the right side.

Right after I was diagnosed I thought, this is going to change my life – for the best!!! I am going to take advantage of this situation and make it so positive. I am going to be superwoman! I am going to get a journal, write in it every day. I am going to eat vegetables and give up junk food and Diet Coke, I am going to start doing daily devotions and have an insanely close relationship with God. I am going to open my heart and my mind to hear what God is going to teach me through this trial. I am going to get my house clean and in order, I am totally working the entire time throughout my treatment. I am going to learn so much through this process and it is going to be great! To this date, this is what I have learned…

1. I am addicted to Diet Coke!!
2. When you plant a tree in your backyard, don’t plant it under the phone lines. Eventually it will have to be trimmed because of them and trees trimmed because of phone lines are UGLY!!! Thankfully, I did not learn this the hard way.
3. If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans!!!

Today, I was feeling so frustrated because I haven’t been keeping a journal, I don’t like writing in it. I do it before bed and I get tired and lose interest. I haven’t stuck with doing daily devotions. I know God is working in my life and I feel his support constantly, but I don’t always have the energy to pray to Him like I think I should. I am not getting some enlightened message from “above” changing my life and on a 12 mile bike ride today, I felt that it is okay!!! Anything and everything is okay! I have breast cancer!!!

So, I sometimes have guilt because of my prognosis! I think, oh my goodness, I can not complain. I could have it so much worse. I could be stage IV, I could have a child that is terminally ill, I could have no job, or no insurance, but I keep telling myself, that OF COURSE I could have it worse. Things can ALWAYS be worse! I am still going through a major life challenge and it is okay to feel needy and to feel sorry for myself occasionally.

For every time I feel sorry for myself, there are 100 times that I laugh about my situation. I know some people get annoyed when I make light of my cancer, but SERIOUSLY!!!! Nothing is making my situation go away, so why not laugh through it? Life is funny, it is crazy, it is nonstop and every time I think I can’t take any more, something else happens, like people clearly not knowing I have breast cancer because they are so rude!!! Or, I am having a really bad day to begin with and to top it off, I go to the dentist and he gives me shots of Novocain and my whole mouth hurts and is numb and then he tells me that the permanent tooth he ordered doesn’t fit, so I need to come back next week to do this all over again. This works out perfectly, because the girls in my surgeons office can’t get things together and now my surgery has to be rescheduled. This means that I have nothing better to do on that date than get my teeth drilled. Get me a shot of vodka, because at this point, I am going to need something to help me wash down the Xanax, FAST!

Which brings me to my next point… Pulling out the “cancer card”. I use it a lot with my husband and my teammates at work. Anything that I want to get out of or want to go my way… “Um…. Yeah…. I have breast cancer!!!” It has worked well. I almost pulled it out with one of my customers, but am holding out until truly necessary. Then, the other day, I got pulled over by a miserable cop and while she was in her car with my “license and registration”, I had all my lines planned out, fortunately for her, she did not give me a ticket, so I didn’t need to use it on her. This does produce some guilt, but I am getting over it.

Another thing that produces guilt is time off from work. My company has an extremely generous short term disability policy. Several months ago, I was thinking of how I am totally pro maternity leave, however, what about those who never take maternity leave because they choose to not have children, or are unable to have kids? Shouldn’t they be compensated for this? I have been with my company for 8 years and have never taken maternity leave. In my life plan (the one I shared with God) I would have taken maternity leave 3 times already. Hello!!!! And then it happened – CANCER!!! While I would never have chosen this for my life, now that it has happened, I am taking my “maternity” leave. And, I am slowly getting over the guilt. I am convinced that during this leave, I will definitely start eating healthy, keep up my exercising, get my house in order, start my journal and get closer to God.

So, I really want a theme song for this part of my life. Today, on my bike ride, I found a theme song for one aspect of my life. It is called “Stupid Mouth” by John Mayer and it goes something like this… My stupid mouth has got me in trouble, I said too much again. I could see, she was offended, she said well anyway I’m just dying for a subject change. It’s another social casualty. Score one more for me… No filter in my head, what’s a girl to do???