I will praise you in this storm!!!

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped my tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining. As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you". And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are, no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand. You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again. My strength is almost gone. How can I carry on if I can't find You?

I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth!!

Words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

Tamoxifen

Why is this Tamoxifen thing putting me over the edge? It’s a pill!!! I felt like I needed someone with me for the first time. Kind of the way I needed Tom with me before surgery and the way I needed him my first day of radiation. Taking that first pill tonight was worse than the surgery or the radiation. Why? It has so many more implications than the other treatment. So much more to it! I am overwhelmed. I want to move on from this stage of life. This pill won’t let me. 5 years of my life. A reminder every night before I go to bed. I don’t mind the reminder, I don’t ever want to forget. If only it were just a reminder and nothing else. I can’t put into words anything else about the stupid pill.

Is this how I am supposed to act?

I have been a little discouraged during my "time-out". I had really high expectations for this free time. I was looking so forward to it and all the things I wanted to accomplish. I know I am being ridiculous, but somehow it still gives me total anxiety. I have been reading this book, "What Cancer Cannot Do", and it has been overwhelming and sometimes depressing at times. However, tonight it made me feel normal. The author's name is Phyllis Ten Elshof and in it she writes, "Would my family be repulsed by how I vacillate between compassion and spite, tenderness and being judgmental? Would they back away from the deep dark hole in me where depression, fear, and anger swirl? Would they be shocked by what tempts me to sin, what makes me cower like a child? Sometimes I'm blind even to my own soul. But God isn't. As Hagar, the handmaiden of Sarai, said in the desert, 'You are the God who sees me' (Genesis 16:13) And He is not repulsed. Rather, He picks me up, carries me in His arms, and assures me of his saving love. Cancer can invade my body. It can swell it, waste it, cripple it, and blind it. But, it cannot invade my soul - for it is safe with God. 'Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.' Isaiah 50:10"

It is the first time I have read about a "believer" struggling with his/her faith through Cancer. I am really struggling! I have done nothing but push God away during this crisis. I rely on him to heal me, but I don't confide in him. I know people are praying for me daily, but I don't open up to Him at all! I feel like I am making God out to be more compassionate than He really is. I feel like He has had it with me. I know I have had it with myself!! I don't feel like I am genuine with my attempts. I know that God knows my heart, but I feel like He is over it!

I need to stop typing. It is stressing me out.

Side Effects

I hadn't until today, figured out which of my "issues" were side effects of my cancer treatment and which were just in my head. Is my exhaustion from the radiation, or from the fact that I lay awake until 2 am every night? Is the shooting pain in my boob only in my head? And it hit me. I am more emotional! Crying! Crying is the one and only side effect that I am certain came from the diagnosis and the treatment of my cancer. Hmmmm..... Feel your boobies!!!

Wednesday, August 20 2008

I look out at the Atlantic Ocean while sitting on a beach in Palm Beach Florida,
I ride my bike down Lake Shore Drive in Chicago and look out onto Lake Michigan. I enjoy the sunrise, the sunset, the trees, the sky, the clouds and am amazed at how meticulously it was all created thousands of years ago. How unimaginable it is to me that all of the stars and planets rotate around each other with perfect coordination. This world, Created by my God. The God who created me. Surely this God has my life under His control. My cancer, my healing, my emotions, my side effects. Truly, God’s got it covered. All of it!!!

ELMHURST???

I am just hoping that I can tell this story and make it half as funny as what it was in real life. I recently bought a sign for my front porch that says, “Come sit on my porch”. Total redneck per my sister, but adorable per me. I saw it on a $2 Million dollar home in Hinsdale and I just had to have it. Perfect for a mansion in Hinsdale, maybe not so much for my cape cod in Elmhurst. Who though, is going to actually read it and listen? Well, let me tell you… My out of control drunk alcoholic redneck neighbor. That is who! The first time wasn’t so bad as I was pulling into my driveway with my husband. Tom took the brunt of the visit even though “It’s your sign!” was his only response to how we were going to handle the situation. I slipped out to the back yard to join the neighbor kids in dance practice to Hannah Montana tunes blaring. The second episode? When I wake up yesterday morning, I come down in my kitchen to see the back of his head with his long hair peeping through my front window. Can you say heart attack? Tom was out of town and when I get him on the phone, my heart is pounding so loud that I would think he could hear it through the phone, however; he is laughing so hard that I tell him I have to go to call my neighbor Brian to see if he can come over and save me. He does, but the scary man is no longer there and Brian turns around and adds that I need to take down my sign. The sign is not coming down because a.) it is super cute and b.) I can’t take it down now and risk the chance of offending the dangerous alcoholic neighbor. Now that is a dilemma! Funny, right?

1 DOWN, 34 TO GO...

I finally started radiation today!!! It has been awhile since my surgery (more than originally was planned) and I have been pretty anxious to get things moving along. However, that wait has turned into a true blessing. It has been a “luxury” to be able to spend this time researching my options for treatment, allowing my decisions to sink in and also be able to enjoy some free time this summer. I have had to really figure out what is best for me in the long run. I am still unsure about the next phase after radiation, but I am at least set for the next 7 weeks. A little over a week ago, the process started with my body being “marked” with tattoos. Never did I think that my first tattoo would be of four dots to help guide the technicians in setting up for daily radiation to fight my breast cancer… at age 36 - (too old for a tattoo and too young for cancer in my opinion)!!! Besides a little anxiety, things went extremely well today. I had to get x-rayed again and met with the Radiologist, which I will do every Monday, but the radiation itself only lasts a couple of minutes. I am now just praying that the side effects will be minimal and that I will get a clear sense of what to do about taking Tamoxifen after the radiation treatment is over.