September 16, 2010 - Rush Oncology Department

I am at my Oncologist office waiting for her to see me. In the waiting room, I am the youngest patient by at least 15 years. Do the other patients realize I am staring at them? I just want to know. I want to know when they were diagnosed. I want to know how they realized they had cancer. Was it a routine check up? Were there symptoms? Did they have symptoms for a long time that they ignored? Could it have been a better outcome if they wouldn't have waited? What stage are they in? Does cancer run in their family? Who is in their support system? How is their support system doing? What is their cancer story? Cancer is such an all consuming overwhelming evil. On a typical day, I don't usually think about the fact that I am a cancer survivor. But, when I am in this room, it all comes back. The fear, the unknown, the unexplainable feeling of having cancer. But I am a survivor! I have officially been one for 2 years and I plan to be one for 50 more.

Contentment...

I truly believe that being content is a decision. It has nothing to do with how much money you have, how big your house is, how beautiful your wife is, how beautiful you are or how healthy your family is. A person has to make a conscious effort to be content. I can keep waiting for my life to get easier. I can wait for my job to pay more or to become less stressful, I can wait for my cancer treatments to be over and to be healthy again, I can wait until this week is over so I can get to the weekend. And then it happens… Monday comes back around, new sales goals come out, my visa bill arrives, my husband annoys me, my mom gets sick. And it goes on... The stress doesn’t end, the work doesn’t go away, my husband still isn’t perfect! If you live your life waiting for it to get better, you will NEVER be happy! Life can be hard, sometimes really really hard! No one is perfect and bad things happen. If we can somehow, just be content in the moment, the happier we will be. Someone is always going to be richer than us, have a better job than us, have a better body than us and come across like they have it all together. But guess what? They have the same insecurities, the same marital problems, the same dirty clothes and a lot of the same struggles. It’s not what life hands you, it’s how you handle life. (Did I just make that up by myself? – Heaven help me if someone actually reads this!) I think the best example of this is the whole situation with Tiger Woods. Talk about someone having it all! Can you imagine life being any better than what Tiger Woods woke up to every morning? I mean, seriously!!!! And given all of that, he made a choice to put his career, his marriage, his family, his ENTIRE life in jeopardy and could possibly lose it all. He wasn’t content. It really goes to show you that no matter what you have going on, only you can choose to be happy, to appreciate, to cherish, to be content!

Had a bad day...

I am exhausted. I am completely drained and I feel like I am having an all out meltdown! I wanted to get a few thoughts down on the crazy weekend. My cousin got married so we had a lot of my dad's family in town. It was so fun having everyone around. It also made my mom's situation really overwhelming. She has always been the social coordinator in our family. She was the ultimate hostess and I am sure that is why Kathy and I love having people over to our houses as well. Not only did I spend almost the entire day at an FTD conference where I think I cried for a total of about 3 hours, but then we spent several hours at my parents house where my mom being sick was so obvious. We were looking at old pictures, which I love to do. My mom remembered a lot of the events that were captured in the photos but she was not herself. I hate being reminded that she is never going to be herself. Kathy and I have the hardest time remembering how she used to be. She was the best mom and she was our best friend. We told her everything. Now, we can't tell her anything. People asked her different questions and she couldn't answer any of them how she normally would. She roamed around the house while everyone was there. Usually, she wouldn't have missed a minute of the socializing. She would be the most outgoing, the most fun, the person everyone wanted to be around. My cousins loved her. She was their favorite aunt and they always wanted to stay at our house. The house is so different. It is unorganized and their is something about it that just highlights my moms illness. I can't believe how depressing this post is turning out to be. I'll make up for it! I am having an absolutely horrible day.

Here I Go!

Starting something is never easy for me. I am a procrastinator. Is it the denial? Is it because someone might read it and think it is stupid? Is it because all of my thoughts and emotions are so jumbled up that I can not even imagine having them make sense? I am pretty sure it is a little of everything. I never expected the blogging to continue. I didn't think my life would continue to be worth sharing. I was looking forward to my life calming down when my cancer treatments were over and feeling as though my life was too boring to write about. How great would that be? :-) My mom was recently diagnosed with a fairly rare disease called Frontotemporal Dementia. She is only 60 years old and I can't believe this is our life. So, starting to write about it isn't easy. I wish I were a better communicator. I wish I could write something that was inspiring and that someone who is going through a similar situation could read and I could have an impact. I want someone to google Frontotemporal Dementia and come across my blog and be so grateful they found it because someone else out there knows what they are going through and can help. I want to talk about the disease and talk about my mom and how awesome she is and how lucky I have been to be her daughter. Even though it is so hard right now to remember who she once was, I want to go through the memories and never forget how blessed I am even when things don't seem to be going the way I would like. I am rambling. I think that is best. It gives a good depiction of what plays in my mind all the time. The craziness, the hurt, the fear, the memories, the dread, the frustration, the desire for my life to be boring, even if just for a moment.

I didn't know...

Recently, I have been wondering how families deal with multiple tragedies. I also wondered why God had to even give families multiple tragedies. Why not just divy them up? This family gets one tragedy, this family another tragedy, etc. I just don't think it's fair. I'm not really questioning God, I am simply saying, that this is not the way I would do things. Then again, I've always been aware that the way God does things is always better than the way I would do them. :-)

A new unexpected journey...

In March, 2009, I went back to Rush to meet with my surgeon, oncologist and radialogist for my 1st follow up visit after my treatment. I sailed through every test with the end verdict? I was cancer free!!! What an awesome, crazy, amazing, overwhelming feeling. It had been exactly one year since this breast cancer journey had begun. The waiting, the doctors visits, more doctors visits, phone calls to hospitals, to insurance companies. As though having to fight cancer wasn't enough, you have to fight with the records department at 2 hospitals and the receptionists in all of your doctors offices. The surgery, the recovery, the radiation, the check ups, being touched by more strange people than I ever thought possible. It was a hard road, but wow... I was cancer free and God had continued to answer our prayers. It would be 6 full months before I would step into the hospital again. Or, so I thought. Once again, God had a different journey planned out for me and my family. One that we are struggling to get direction, but trusting that God is and always will be, in control. You see, when things seem completely out of our hands, it is because they are in God's hands. We can question Him, we can get mad at Him, and we can blame Him, we can feel like we are losing our minds, but the fact remains the same. God is ALWAYS in control. He loves us, He will take care of us and He will NEVER forsake us.

2008

I went and got a massage today. It was a spur of the moment thing, and it was heavenly. The massage therapist was a bit of a chatter box though. Since I had to list my lumpectomy and my Tamoxifen in my new client form, she was quick to ask me about my breast cancer situation. I briefly gave her the saga and at the end she responded with, "I bet you will be happy when 2008 is over." Is it crazy to say that it will be hard to let 2008 go? I am so happy that I have made it through this chapter in my life, but I don't look at it as something I am looking forward to let go of, or forget about. 2008 has been the most impactful year of my life. I have learned so much about me and about my husband and about my marriage. I have become a much stronger person, I have learned to love a lot of things about me that I never thought I could.